Ok friends. Before we get into what started this very productive Q&A session* we are about to embark upon together, there are a few things we need to clear up first. First of all, I need to explain to you what a Big Rock moment is. Then we're going to talk about reindeer. Big Rock first. In order to adequately set the scene you'd have to know Jesse Greene, the man and the legend. But we'll assume you don't. We'll also assume that you don't know what the hell I'm talking about when I tell you that the Big Rock concert series was a music festival event put on by 99X radio at Stone Mountain. To wit: a Big Rock moment is the moment of dawning realization of something obvious that has eluded you for years, so named after the moment when the legendary Jesse Greene (only spoken of in awed whispers of lore and tales of wonder) realized while at a 99X Big Rock concert at Stone Mountain that Stone Mountain was itself a big rock and thus the title of the concert series was a double entendre. This was proceeded directly afterwards by the realization that the previous series years before was called 'On the Bricks' because indeed Centennial Olympic Park is paved with bricks. As in “Holy shit last year was 'On the Bricks' is that because there are bricks in the park?” His world was thenceforth changed.
 I'm sure, the clever little devil that you are, you've realized how this all connects to reindeer and Google. But bear with me, and let's continue on this journey together. On a fine clear night, while ostensibly being very productive while not doing much of anything, a Big Rock moment of such staggering epiphany dawned upon my heart like the bright beacon of the morning sun. My eyes were opened, a veil was lifted, and I could see the innermost workings of the complex gears and levers of our clockwork world in one bright and terrifying moment of clarity. Reindeer are called reindeer because Santa puts reins on them. O, Providence! O, Happy Day! Immediately I knew there was only one thing to do in such a situation: consult the Oracle. Why, Google? Why are reindeer called reindeer? Surely I couldn't be mistaken? As I began to type in my question, I got as far as “Why are” when I saw with dawning dismay that my search for vindication would have to wait. The image before my eyes given to me by Google's predictive text handed me a new destiny. The Internet needed me. Don't worry, America. I'm here now. Shhh. It'll be alright.

*all questions answered without the help of Google.

Why are all the black kids sitting together in the cafeteria?
    Well, you see, black people come from Africa. In Africa, it's really really hot. Sometimes, in more temperate climates, black people get too chilly. They circumnavigate this problem by sitting together, huddled for warmth. It's okay, don't be afraid. Go make some friends. Offer them a sweater. Tell them why. You'll be buddies in no time.

Why are yawns contagious?
    It's a commonly known fact that tiredness, not yawns, is what is actually contagious. When you spend too much time around a tired person, you get tired. Tiredness makes you yawn. Ergo ipso facto, the yawns are the symptom, not the disease. It's science. Riddle me this, why don't humans catch dog yawns?

Why are black people so loud?
    Ask your new friends in the cafeteria.

Why are Michael Jackson's kids white?
    I know the answer to this, but I'm not going to tell you. Why do you need to know? Why are you so concerned about race? I don't ask you why white people like gin, Friends, and riding horses, do I? Gee gosh.

Why are flamingos pink?
    I'm going to ignore the blatant racism in this question and carry on in the spirit of shared knowledge. If flamingos weren't pink, then they wouldn't fit the color scheme of coastal Floridians. Do you think if they were a soothing taupe color they would be heralded as the kings of lawn ornaments they are today? Of course not. They could just as easily be aquamarine, but then they'd blend into the grass.

Why are barns red?
    Barns are red because animals normally kept in barns, such as horses, really really hate humanity. I'm talking like a deep visceral loathing. It's okay though, you don't have to be scared. Red is a naturally soothing color to horses. Kind of like eucalyptus leaves are to koalas who, while freakishly adorable, are super mean and will scratch your eyes out unless they're high on eucalyptus. Horses are like that, except red barns are like eucalyptus and they'd hoof you to death instead of scratching your eyes out. Don't believe me? Look into their eyes. You'll see the hate there.

Why are we in Afghanistan?
    From what I understand, Afghanistan is in the Middle East, right? Well, a long time ago, there was some sort of monumental cock-up involving something about a magic ring, a Big Scary Mountain and some Sauron Hussein guy with a major case of red eye. Luckily, Ben Stein Bush came in and sprayed that mother down with saline bombs, but he knocked down a bunch of villages and shit and now they're all pissed at us. Also, The War Against Terrorism in acronym form is TWAT. Which doesn't have much to do with anything, but it is funny.

Why are we here?
    Really? You're asking Google? Well not anymore, my friend. Now you're asking me. I'm gonna go with ol' Carl Sagan here on this one, when he said, “Somewhere, something incredible is waiting to be known.” And I didn't Google that bad boy, either. I read it in a book. Because I'm pretentious.

Why are cells so small?
    So they can fit into your body, hello. Your skin keeps them in, like a sack! Do you want to walk around with great flapping cells bulging out from every surface of your body? Stew in that mental image for a while. Yeah. I didn't think so.

Why are there school?
    For I and you, my friend. School are for I and you and me.
    But really mostly just for you.